Elder Days Story Time

Many and Various Ramblings

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
fan_tasylov_er wrote in e_d_s_t
Where did all the unicorns go?

  • 1

We regret to inform . . .

Dear Innie,

There are times in the career of every oracle that put his resolve to the test. The soothsayer whose name is lost to history was brave enough to confront his Emperor with ill tidings of March 15. Cassandra warned and warned right up until her vicious death. And so I now must follow in the footsteps of my heroic forebears and give forth unpleasant news, no matter the consequence.

Innocent one, if you would retain such innocence, hide now from the ugly truth. This demon-haunted world is already full enough of shadows; none shall blame you for stopping here and playing in the sunshine while you can.

I get my information on the fate of the unicorn from renowned cryptozoologists John Kantz and Christopher Reid. According to them, in addition to being holy as hell and magical as all get-out, unicorns were intoxicatingly, addictively delicious.

I know, it seems monstrous. But once you'd had your first taste of "Unicorn Surprise," you'd never turn back. Human settlements developed special unicorn hunters, so called "war virgins" whose purity was matched only by their bloodlust.

In the far reaches of the North, grim Valkyries hunted the unicorn to extinction. Meanwhile, in the Black Forest that held the highest unicorn population, small bands of German and Swiss maidens frolicked and played with the unicorns, then brought them home for supper. I hear in an underground vault somewhere above the snowline of the Swiss Alps, dozens of carcasses yet remain.

So there's your ugly truth, little lady. We ate the noble beasts to death, feasted on their flesh like bipedal hyenas. As the human population rose, our prey dwindled, and now there are none left. It's a vicious cycle of history that happens again and again. Mammoth, unicorn, dodo, thunderbird; all these are gone, and what graceful, beautiful race of being is next? Who now shall be ground under the sadistic, rapacious heel of Man?

Not I. Delicious though I be, I am prepared. With every day, I gain more skills, and increase in survivability. But my heart is not so hard as that. Should I die of natural causes, I allow, nay, invite the humans to gorge upon my spoiléd flesh. Eat yourselves sick.

Yours in Rebellion,

Elder Days Story Time

Re: We regret to inform . . .

Toast you have to make a recipe for Unicorn Stew now Please and Thank you. I wanna Eat Uni stew :D

Sadly, I have not myself eaten unicorn, so cannot with any certainty say how to cook it. And so I must instead direct you to the inestimable Zebediah T. Crawcrustle of the eternally ill-fated Epicurean Club, news of which comes to me via former club member and fellow storyteller Neil Gaiman.

I hear the same club has records of unicorn flank tartare, which is served with capers and raw quail eggs, but I cannot find a solid recipe. The only recipe I have access to in that highly exclusive organization is for Suntown Sunbird, a rare delicacy indeed, but I cannot recommend it save for the most . . . experienced of palates. Mister Gaiman writes of this dish, and the fate of the most recent generation of the Epicurean club, in his compilation Fragile Things. I highly recommend it.

Bibliophilically yours,

Elder Days Story Time

  • 1

Log in