Elder Days Story Time

Many and Various Ramblings

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Sporks
shadedevlin wrote in e_d_s_t
Dear Mr. Toast,

Who created the spork, and why? They will be the end of us all!

Yours,
Sirrus Devlin.

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The very first proto-spork was created by renowned mad scientist Samuel Francis back in the 19th century. This nameless abomination more closely resembled the modern horror known as the Splayd, save with sharper mandibles.

Naturally, upon incept it instantly turned on its creator and escaped into the wild, where its lack of natural predators caused it to disrupt the local ecosystem and drive certain species of native cutlery to extinction.

This drove insightful ecologists to capture some of the abominations and reduce their danger to humanity, then re-release them to provide predator pressure to the originals, hopefully driving them away and leaving the safer second generation to cope with.

In Australia, home of more deadly creatures than you can shake a stick at (because the stick is also deadly and will inject you with poison for shaking it), William MacArthur found that removing the knife-like edges along the horror's flanks allowed it to compete with its predecessors without killing quite as many people. His creation was able to interbreed with the originals when released, spawning the lesser monstrosity known today as the Splayd.

In America, Harry McCoy introduced the "cutting spoon," which turned out to be an even more efficient killer, as it targeted the young and infirm. This necessitated a pogrom led by one Frank Emmenegger.

Emmenegger, in addition to being handy with a Thompson automatic rifle, was a junior machinist at the Folgate Silver Plate Company, and brought a few shot-mangled corpses to work for study, where they were mistaken for prototypes and put into manufacture.

Thankfully, death blunted their vicious edges and the wounds broke up the distinctive profile, since Emmenegger was a consumnate monster hunter and always aimed for the head. Thus, the modern spork went into production.

So there you have it, Sirrus, the spork is the misappropriated and misconstrued bastard offspring of a neutered example of Science Gone Horribly Wrong. It is a far lesser evil than Francis' monster, and ours is a world of compromise.

Yours in the Back, Hiding From a Foon,
Elder Days Story Time

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