Well, folks, here I am back at work. The doctors have tried to confine me to bed, but my duty to you transcends mere vulgar pain and injury; so once again I appear before you. As is right and just on this most terrifying holiday, we've been watching The Silence Of The Lambs here in the studio, and in the middle of our inevitable conversation on how eminently dateable Hannibal Lecter is, young network intern Sam chimes in with,
"How do you give of the hot sexy serial killer vibe instead of the creepy uncouth one though?"
I'm so glad you asked, Sam! Today, EDST presents some helpful hints for the serial killer who wants to be smooth.
1) Know your audience. Hypocritical though it may be, you must accept the truth that murderous sociopaths don't make good bedfellows. Fun and charming though they may seem to you, pickup lines such as, "You have such lovely eyes. They'd look fantastic on a string around my neck," are neither suave nor erudite. Also, kissing a girl's hand is okay, but do not then turn it over and lick it.
2) Control is important when dealing with the vile unwashed. Keep a tight reign on your tongue. You're already crazy, so don't worry about the psychological ramifications of bottling. Don't snap at people unless they're down a pit in your house or something. Remember, a quiet shiv to the femoral artery beats coarse language any day of the week!
3) Now that you don't curse at people who aren't totally at your mercy, it's time to stop babbling. Take that newfound control and reapply its direction slightly. Limit yourself to a smooth, even cadence. This gives you plenty of time to think about what you're going to say next, and helps the sexy vibe to boot! Just make sure not to overdo it. Robot-voiced people are Uncanny, not sexy.
4) Don't eat people you haven't taken some time to get to know. Learn the symptoms of any disease you don't want, and don't eat anyone who exhibits any of them. Yes, this will slow your apotheosis, but you don't want to die of spongiform encephalitis when you're nine-tenths of the way to godhood, now, do you?
5) Stay in school. Being able to append "Doctor" to your name garners you an automatic six points of sexycred. That's enough to raise "vile inhuman scum" to "barely tolerable for short periods," and if you're not totally horrid to start with, you can only go up from there! Don't fake that doctorate, tempting though it may be. People can tell, and are subtly repulsed.
That ought to be enough to go on, we think.
Elder Days Story Time