Elder Days Story Time

Many and Various Ramblings

Valentine's Day BOEDST, Dec. 17, 2007
EDST wily
Well, folks, here I am back at work. The doctors have tried to confine me to bed, but my duty to you transcends mere vulgar pain and injury; so once again I appear before you. As is right and just on this most terrifying holiday, we've been watching The Silence Of The Lambs here in the studio, and in the middle of our inevitable conversation on how eminently dateable Hannibal Lecter is, young network intern Sam chimes in with,

"How do you give of the hot sexy serial killer vibe instead of the creepy uncouth one though?"

I'm so glad you asked, Sam! Today, EDST presents some helpful hints for the serial killer who wants to be smooth.

1) Know your audience. Hypocritical though it may be, you must accept the truth that murderous sociopaths don't make good bedfellows. Fun and charming though they may seem to you, pickup lines such as, "You have such lovely eyes. They'd look fantastic on a string around my neck," are neither suave nor erudite. Also, kissing a girl's hand is okay, but do not then turn it over and lick it.

2) Control is important when dealing with the vile unwashed. Keep a tight reign on your tongue. You're already crazy, so don't worry about the psychological ramifications of bottling. Don't snap at people unless they're down a pit in your house or something. Remember, a quiet shiv to the femoral artery beats coarse language any day of the week!

3) Now that you don't curse at people who aren't totally at your mercy, it's time to stop babbling. Take that newfound control and reapply its direction slightly. Limit yourself to a smooth, even cadence. This gives you plenty of time to think about what you're going to say next, and helps the sexy vibe to boot! Just make sure not to overdo it. Robot-voiced people are Uncanny, not sexy.

4) Don't eat people you haven't taken some time to get to know. Learn the symptoms of any disease you don't want, and don't eat anyone who exhibits any of them. Yes, this will slow your apotheosis, but you don't want to die of spongiform encephalitis when you're nine-tenths of the way to godhood, now, do you?

5) Stay in school. Being able to append "Doctor" to your name garners you an automatic six points of sexycred. That's enough to raise "vile inhuman scum" to "barely tolerable for short periods," and if you're not totally horrid to start with, you can only go up from there! Don't fake that doctorate, tempting though it may be. People can tell, and are subtly repulsed.

That ought to be enough to go on, we think.

Happy Hunting,

Elder Days Story Time

We Regret To Inform
EDST pirate
Dear Listeners,

Michael Thedford, host of Elder Days Story Time, has been injured in pursuit of material for his show. His condition is not critical, and he should return to duty in time for his Valentine's Day program, but since he left us without enough research material for the intervening shows; we cannot arrange a substitute host for today, and may not be able to do so for Tuesday.

We Apologize For The Inconvenience,

The Management

Evil Awareness Week
EDST wily
And so, my tender lumplings, let me welcome here you now.
Into my flesh-pink radio show I greet you with a bow.
So entertain I must, I may, a pleasure from within:
The EDST Treasure Chest of lust and mortal sin!
We'll lead you to a place you'd like to visit least of allCollapse )

Elder Days Story Time

Best of EDST, October 15, 2007
grimace, tuxedo, anxious
Come on, people. Give me something to work with, here. I actually got a request for today . . . four minutes ago. My dedicated team of experts is working on it now; I'll report their results on Friday.

For now,
Yet Another Rerun!Collapse )

BOEDST, Oct. 23, 2007
EDST scholarly, book
Dear E. D. S. T,

How on earth did someone come up with the idea to take an inedible berry, dry it, take out the seed, roast the seed, grind it, pour hot water on it, and drink the filtered results?


Dear Matthew,Collapse )

Fear and Loathing in Tenochtitlan
EDST scholarly, book
Good evening, every body. It's time for another episode of Elder Days Story Time. I'm your host, Michael.

Tonight's topic was suggested by a person who signs himself the product of two years: 1913 and 2269. A bit of research reveals that these are the two years in which Pancho Villa marched from Texas towards Mexico City at the head of a ragtag army to free his beloved homeland from vile usurpers. Except the second time, he didn't so much march as lurch, and his shambling army was considerably better equipped to fight the leader of the Distrito Federal, as said ruler was by way of being a giant alien brain.

In any case, our friend asks the following:

Dear Elder Days Story Time,Collapse )

Today's Question

Why are doctors such twits... when one person in a family has a hereditary disease why will they refuse to test the others in the family until a second presents with the same bloody disease?

Dear E.D.S.T

What I want to know is, how far can the average swallow fly?


Best Of Elder Days Story Time, October 12, 2007
EDST scholarly, book
Ahh, so many old columns, so stringent modern submission constraints . . . it's so hard to choose; they're all like my children.

Janine, that remark was personal and inappropriate and shall thus not be aired. In its place, we present this old correspondence. Good thing I'm airing it now; it was starting to get all musty.

Dear Elder Days Story Time,

How many monkeys live by the sea?


Wally, from a world near by

Dear Wally,Collapse )

Why are people?
EDST scholarly, book
Good evening, dear friends. It's time for another installment of Elder Days Story Time. I'm your host, Michael. Tonight we're trying out a new experimental feature here in the studio: a telephone! The network executives are naturally leery of this frightening new "devil tube," and I admit to some fear myself, but I've every confidence it'll all work out for the best.

Ah, my producer indicates to me that we have a caller. Go ahead and patch him through, Janine. Hello, caller?Collapse )


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